She said it's not about you

Well, hello again.

If you survived that earlier ramble and came out of it without being completely confused then well done. I think I better start at the beginning with some stuff. Like my hectic love life.

Well, like I said I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even been kissed by a guy, or a girl for that matter. Lately I've been groped a few times, by a girl, then by her fiancee. Yeah, I know. Then the same girl asked me to grope her tit. I said no. Maybe I'm frigid. Hmmm. But then I think about a cock sliding into me and Oh My God! It's all I want sometimes. But I'm definitely straight. I think. I have thought about kissing girls before. But thats about it, although I just had an image in my head of a girl licking me out. That turned me on. But then thinking about anyone licking me out turns me on. Hmmm. I don't know. Maybe I'm bi? Ahhh I can find that out later. Where was I? Oh yeah, I've never had a boyfriend. I'm a complete virgin. At 18 that is either a miracle, or just sad. You decide.

I had my first crush when I was about 8. To a guy 4 years older than me. He was my brothers mate who I also played with. It was a full blown crush. He thought I was just a kid. So that never happened. Then I think there was a south african boy who I liked. My mate told him I liked him and he didnt like me back. I was about 9 or 10 then. I pretended she said it as a joke. Then there was a new boy. Several girls liked him and I got on with him really well. But I think I just liked him a lot as a friend. Then when I was in year 7, I sent a pretty popular guy a note sayin I liked him. Everyone knew and I was humiliated. What a twat he was. Then I went up to high school and had a crush on a guy two years above me. He didn't even know me. So there's another one ticked off, who I never got with. He wouldnt even register me. I don't stand out in a cowd. I definitely didn't back then. I mean my mum dressed me, and I had no fashion sense. My mums another part of my life that fits in with my family and why I love em and hate em. But thats for later.

Then in my last year of school, there was a guy I flirted outrageously with in French lessons. He flirted back. But he was such a tease. He loved to joke so much. One time he asked me to go to the prom with him. I'll always remember that. Because I sat there like an idiot and said absolutely nothing. I thought he was joking. I don't think he was. A few days/weeks (can't remember exactly) I asked him if he was going to the prom and he said no, coz the girl he wanted to go with did something to his heart. I cant remember the exact words. Something like stabbed his heart or something. I wondered if he was talking about me.

Anyhoo, then I went to college. I liked this really nice guy. Added him online. Went on and on about I liked this guy until I really embarassed myself and had to admit it was him. He said he didn't want a relationship at that point. So another one bites the dust. Then this guy who I went to school with added me online and ended up askin me out. I had lead him on quite a lot too. I didn't even fancy him. I just liked the flirtin we did online. So he asked me out. I actually said ok. I didn't know how to say no. But then I panicced and told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. Which was a complete lie. He told my mate all about and she got onto me and I said I just didn't like him like that. She made me tell him the truth. So I did. I felt like a complete bitch. But I never counted him as a boyfriend. We never even met up. Then after him, I met a really nice guy online. We swapped numbers and texted a lot. But then I got put off because he put "love you xxxxxx" at the end of every text. I mean he hardly knew me. So I cooled it down a bit. He lived too far away anyway. He now has a girlfriend anyway and we still talk sometimes.

Well, then I had a major thing for my mates boyfriend. She had been with him for about 6 months when I started liking him. Perhaps longer in fact. Anyway, I managed to get his addy of my mate. Then we got talking. I started sort of putting myself down I suppose and he said I was good looking basically. Flattered my ego I suppose. We swapped numbers. A little while later they split up. He started textin me one night in the middle of the night, he was round hers, in the spare room. He saw a different side to me then. We flirted pretty heavily. Then we met up one night and just sat in my car and talked. After he said I should have made a move coz I said I was sorry I hadn't, but I was shy. He carried on flirting with me online. I sent him pictures. Pictures I shouldn't have sent. Not naked. But still. Then him and my mate got back together again. Even though she had already told him she had cheated on him several times. Then about 3 months later, just after new year they split up again. I talked to him a lot. He was talkin of movin, not really far away or anything, but to get away from her I think. I texted him loads, too much. He must have thought I was clingy. A little while after they split up I told him how I felt. How much I liked him yahda yahda yahda. He said something along the lines of "I think your lovely too. But all I think about if I think about girls is *insert name here*" He said a lot. Wasn't completely straight with me I don't think. Then anyway, I didn't hear from him for ages, so it ended up kind of "out of sight, out of mind". I thought I'd gotten over him. Then my mate, his ex, asked me to go clubbin with her for his birthday. So we did. I still fancied him. I don't think I dressed that great that night though. I didn't look my best and I wanted to. She said that they were on the brink of getting back together. They did get back together. Eventually, me and him got talking online again. We flirted outrageously. Got quite deep about stuff. I went on webcam for him. Topless. I never was confident enough to go fully naked. Then, one day when she was away, he asked me to go round his, for sex basically, said he'd be gentle. I eventually drove there, and waited outside for hours. Drove off a few times. Then went back. Finally got out of the car. Walked up and down the road a few times. Could see him in the window watchin footy. He saw me go past one time. Then I finally went and knocked on his door. He let me in.

His dad was goin to be home from work, so nothing happened. We sat there, talked a little bit about random stuff, then his dad came home, asked me if I'd been able to track her down :s then he had to give his dad a lift somewhere so I went home. Waited for him to come online. I said sorry for being so stupid and taking so long to come and see him. I said I was stupid. We talked for a bit online. But after that when he was with her he seemed to be avoiding me, wouldnt come and talk to me or anything. Then I said about it and he said he hadn't meant to. Then he talked to me a bit more. Then he didn't talk to me online for ages. Then one day he came online and said "I'm so bored at work, there's no entertainment here" or somthing along those lines. So I said "well I don't know how to entertain you" and he said "I wasn't asking u to". That was the day I started to get over him. He spoke to me just as in the formalities when he saw me when he was with her. Then we didn't speak online and I am now completely over him. But they just split up. I really want to like him again. But I seriously dont think he likes me, and it'll never happen.

Now, I'm tired. So the rest of my love life I will tell tomorrow. Must remember H though. Don't worry all will be axplained.

Anyway, thanks for reading x